THE WORK
GRIEF TRANSFORMED
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July 2016 show at Lloydean Presents
I have a blog post from May of 2015, a few years after my friend passed away, where I really committed to creating this work. It tells the story of losing a dear friend to cancer, something that far too many of us know. During this creative experiment I made a commitment to not just lament about the pain but transform it. Because even in all its confused despair there was beauty and love in this loss. When it was complete I found I had created my own little art therapy session and a record of all the big lessons I learned along the way.
He was an amazing friend and band memeber, so it just seemed natural to pair a piece of music with each of these paintings. Some songs are snippets, rough cut and raw and a few are more developed but all of them take you a little deeper into the painting and sentiment.
Special Credits and heart exploding thanks to:
Jerry Eaton's amazing support and production on all the music.
Bryon Garvin for his tasty guitar and composition on "Alone". Play on.
THE STORY…
All exerpts below come from my blog Vitalitymob.wordpress.com
PAINTING: Bones
SONG: Rest With Me
This song bubbled up while driving home from having been in the ER with my friends. Watching them navigate those horrible moments made their love and patience for each other so apparent. What a gift it was to witness.
“This painting embodies the darkness that came over me and the branches are made to look like the rib bones I could see so clearly on my friend. I wanted a few leaves brightly shining because nothing could take away his soul…strong, stubborn and beautiful as it was.”
PAINTING: Twisted
SONG: Listen
I pieced three chords together and this song just sprang out of it. The secret to getting my knots untied.
BLOG POST: Untie the Knots
“At the start of any kind of grief I’ve experienced there is that feeling – an internal brawl. There’s this truth I have to accept but I fight it, which just makes things worse because I’m avoiding acceptance which pushes me into confusion. Then the longer I fight the worse the knots get until something gives…”
PAINTING: Whiskey
SONG: Liberal
This little unfinished number is about the rebel in me that just wants to say “f@ck it!” and throw back all the drinks.
BLOG POST: Raise Your Glass!
“My health is better now. I can have a drink sometimes without it affecting me, and if the time is wrong, or the drink is wrong or anything doesn’t taste or feel right, I just get rid of it. This trip to Vegas brought me to a very quiet place about drinking. I wasn’t bored and I wasn’t boring. I gambled and lost. I danced until I was peacefully exhausted. I joyfully let champaign get sprayed on me poolside. I had one cocktail I drank, one I poured down the sink and one I gave away. Other than that, it was water and food. I never got pressured or asked “but what will you do?” I laughed and watched and really felt content.
…So here’s to my days of whiskey. I love you still whiskey, we had some good, albeit foggy, memories!”
PAINTING: Tsunami & the Fir
SONG: Silly Sappy Simple Me
This song came about as I accepted that my life was changing forever. I knew it was but I was almost romantic with hope about how it maybe wouldn’t. What it is they say …“The only constant is change”?
BLOG POST: When Dreams Don’t Speak
“…I had one of my favorite dreams that came to me shortly after my friend began chemotherapy. It was another one of my tsunami dreams – which always have these perfectly formed cresting waves. As I stood on this pier I saw the giant wave start to crest and reach over me until my vantage point changed to above the waves and I watched it make everything disappear except this huge, old fir tree. Seeing this ancient giant mass of nature patiently and strongly wait for the sea to calm made me feel my own power to wait out the waves of emergency and emotion that were overwhelming me.”
PAINTING: The Fall
SONG: Bad Behavior
Simply put, this song is about a destructive frame of mind and a dangerous relationship with another soul.
BLOG POST: Know When to Let Go
“My yard is like a little orchard - filled with apples trees, and every fall I watch them let go of a fruit they have been pumping energy into for months. I wanted to say they let go effortlessly but if left to their own devices they can hang on to some fruit all the way through the winter. I guess it’s a little like us, holding onto to things when it’s not necessarily good for us. We can feel a sense of loyalty or fear of change and just try and hold on no matter how destructive a situation might be…”
PAINTING: My Heart
SONG: Find a Way
This song was inspired by my husband and I’s opposite nature. We went through the same story in such a different way but lucky for us, we did it together. The ending line, “We are not alone,” speaks not just to a single relationship but to the connection of us all.
BLOG POST: Community
“In my most raw and confused moments, words always fail me, what a gift to have such strong communication during those times with so few words. I felt safe, I felt loved and I felt understood and that’s all we really need to heal.
…To all of these people in my community, to all of the little kindnesses I found along the way, I dedicate this whole work to you all.
May you see the love and gratitude in every piece! My sincerest thanks to each and every one of you!”
PAINTING: Herman Creek
SONG: Alone
This song is dear to me, it’s one of the last collaborations I did with my parted band mate, Bryon. He would record the music and send it to me, then I would record my voice over with some lyrics and send it back to him and we’d go like that until we felt it was strong enough to show the band. It was my kind of music making, slow and steady.
These lyrics fit nicely with the feeling I sought out on those hikes. I just needed the time and space to be quiet.
BLOG POST: The Pieces Come Together
“This painting specifically is a nod and a smile to one of my favorite hikes. It begins just off the freeway and wonders through a bit of magical mossy boulders, under a few tangled trees and up a steep incline until it opens up to a power poll line. This is the space where it feels natural to turn back, looks a little ugly and reminds you there are people around. I stopped once for quiet a while here, catching my breath and deciding if I should keep going. I looked at the power polls with some sadness and disdain because they weren’t the beauty I wanted. After some time I noticed I was fixated on one pole. The letters and numbers pounded to it caught my eye. They meant nothing to me but they were kind of beautiful. They had this shine and the shape of each one seemed so thoughtful. Then I saw the forest beyond it and decided to keep going one step at a time, noticing everything.”
PAINTING: Promise
SONG: Commin' 'Round
This song was written right after my friends passing to remind me of where I was headed and to celebrate all he gave while he was here. I knew I would go through the depression but was just as sure I’d come out the other side.
BLOG POST: Play On!
“When he got sick he kept playing for quite a while until finally he got so ill he couldn’t play anymore. It felt like music was slipping away from me during this time and my husband instinctively knew I needed it. He bought me a ukulele and I began to learn it at Bryon’s bedside. I would fumble and play quietly while I hummed, intently looking down at the charts I was learning. He would close his eyes and drift off to sleep but wake back up if he didn’t hear me playing. He was so gracious, even in all that pain. He told me how nice it was, he thanked me again and again. Once he woke up and said “You sound like an angel.”
PAINTING: Brambles & Spider Webs
SONG: Far Too Long
Well the title says it all. I was fed up with my bad attitude and was ready for a way out. This song is about moving past those protections.
BLOG POST: Releasing the Fear
“The painting above is to remind me of my impulse to place protections around my heart and “the strong one” (the piece of my personality that protected me fiercely) “became my personification of that. I would get glimpses of real strength here and there but I wasn’t really comfortable being so vulnerable so I would shut things off and she made that easier. As much as I thought this was safety it was really very isolating, which just perpetuated my fear. Everyone around me seemed so tired and so busy working through their own stuff. I couldn’t see how we could help one another.”
PAINTING: Closer
SONG: Take a Little Time
Just waking up from my fog, I was relishing the ability to move slowly and see all that was around me.
BLOG POST: Closer
“The whole journey of looking closer can be tough but inspiring. It’s like when I’m on the trail. There is moment after moment of looking closer out of curiosity over fear. Something always catches my eye and I kneel down to touch it, see it’s whole form clearly, memorize it’s colors shifting one shade to the next, so that I can take it with me, as a part of me, to be relived and transformed into a new and beautiful translation of itself.”
SONG: Moonshine
PAINTING: Frolic
You might be able to tell by now my mind gets to deep waters pretty often but I have another side to me, a playful side that I longed to connect to back then and this song was about just that.
BLOG POST: Play Time!
“This painting is for play…It doesn’t take much; just find that thing that makes you lighter, makes you smile despite yourself, makes you curious or focused.
Jump in a puddle. Throw rocks. Chase your kid. Twirl around in a field. Have a race. Dance. Sing. Find any class. Laugh. So long as you’re able – never stop playing! Never! Never! Never!”
SONG: Points of Light
PAINTING: Freedom
One of the lines to this song came to me while I watched my chemical laden hair fill the drain of my shower. I wasn’t willing to feel sorry for myself anymore or to let the fear overcome me, I was ready to soak it all up and let it ride and that’s exactly what this song is about. Freedom in change.
BLOG POST: Freedom
“It feels like open air. It’s at once joyful and calm. It’s strong but egoless. It’s pure presence and it’s where I want to see myself as I grow in this world. Feeling trapped has been a cage of my own making. I don’t want to live there any longer. I have this moment on earth and I want to soak it up. There is no room for anything else.”
ORCHARD
This study inspired by the plethera of apples that live in my yard focuses on the abundance of nature and my life at this time. Each apple speaks to the varried shades of life and relationship.
Fast Friends
Hidden Treasure
First Blush
Shine
Healed
